LaRosa Johnson {dot} com

I have to be honest for a minute. For the past month or two, I’ve found it incredibly hard to find time to study, or at the very least get motivated to study the Scriptures. Of course, I have my moments where I just dig in my heels and study like there’s no tomorrow, and I enjoy every minute of it. Yet, it feels like those moments are few & far between.

A perfect example of this is May 29, that night I spent a good amount of time exegeting the first few verses of 1st Thessalonians 3. Before that, I had spent the two previous nights just reading the chapter over multiple times to make sure I had a grasp on the big picture. Now, that’s all fine, except for the fact that I haven’t gotten back to the study since then. When I started the chapter, I was motivated and had the desire to just knock it out as fast as I could, and now here I am almost 2.5 weeks later and I haven’t touched it. What’s up with that?!

I can’t help but think to myself, “What’s going on?” How can I go from reading through the entire Bible in less than six months and being pretty consistent in my studies to completely falling off the map? I don’t have the answers, but I realize that I have to look at life and see where things are. For the past few months Robin had been in school and had homework to do nearly every night, so there was adequate time in the evening to study with the house being very quiet after putting the kids to bed. Now that that’s over (except for another month of it with her final class starting next month), that “routine” is out the window. Then there’s the simple fact of studying in the evenings. I’m a morning person, so the night isn’t when I’m at my best, yet that seems to be the only time that I have available to me for study, which isn’t the greatest thing. That being said, I really don’t see myself getting up any earlier than I already do because I already know that my brain isn’t that awake first thing in the morning. Lastly, there’s the fact that my desk & de facto office is the living room where everyone lives, which means that there is never a moment that I can close the door & study (even with headphones). Sadly, with the way this house is configured, there’s no other option.

Taking all of that into consideration, the question is: what do I do? How can I find that consistency that I desire for wanting to study when I have a home life that is far from being consistent or conducive to study at the times when I’m at my best? I can’t help but think that when we purchase our next house, we’re going to have to shoot for one with five bedrooms so that we can make one into an office/study. Hopefully & prayerfully, that can happen in February 2011. Until then, I have to figure something else out, and I’m more than open to suggestions.

As a final side note, the desire to spend my day studying the Word of God has been on my mind quite a bit lately. I love my job, but I love studying the Bible more. I would love to be able to spend my days studying, writing devotions & Bible studies for Trailblazin Ministries, recording audio & video teachings, and sharing the Word with whoever will listen. If I could have my way, while still supporting my family, that’s what I would do. At the moment, I have no idea how I would even go about making that happen. It’s something that I will leave as a matter of prayer and hope that maybe the Lord can open that door sooner rather than later, whether it be doing Trailblazin Ministries fulltime or pastoring a church (doing TM alongside it). That’s all in the Lord’s hands, and He knows the desires of my heart. Right now, though, I just need to find some consistency, and fast.

You remember those times when your mom told you to do something because it was for your own good, but you don’t listen because it’s coming from your mom and you know how moms can be about stuff? Now, what do you do when your friends start telling you the same thing? You start listening, right? It starts to sink in, make sense, and you adjust because it’s coming from a different perspective, not just from someone whose advice you’ve learned to ignore.

The other day I had one of those moments. I had previously been told by someone about something I was doing that could be perceived in the wrong way. Because of who it was coming from, I didn’t pay it much mind and brushed it aside thinking that I knew better because they didn’t know the “whole picture.” Well, just the other day I had one of my “boys” come alongside and tell me the exact same thing and that it’d be wise if I knocked it off. Unlike the first time I heard it, this time it struck a chord and almost felt like a dagger making its way into my abdomen. Did this person really just tell me that?! Could they be right?! After much thought, I came to the conclusion that they were right, and that I should have listened to that first person when they advised me.

Needless to say, this series of events has caused me to eat a big slice of humble pie. The blinders are now off and things are looking a lot clearer & making sense. So, stuff will change in regard to the situation. Big ups to the brother who brought it all to my attention!

If I were to be honest, I would have to admit that the past couple of weeks have been really interesting and a true test of my resolve to have patience & rest in Jesus Christ.

Without going into details, there are some matters in my life that are leaving me with a couple of directions to be taken, one of which could completely change things around like nothing else possibly could. That’s fine because any direction I take can be deemed as “good,” at least when looking at it from a distance. The problem lies in the fact that I know only one of them is what God wants, and I want to be one hundred percent sure that I’m lining up with what He wants, and not what may seem best for me at the given time.

Figuring out what God wants isn’t the problem, because I’m sure that I’ll have no doubt what direction to go in when the time is right. The issue right now is that I’m personally ready to make a decision one way or the other to simply get it all over with, but I can’t do that. The circumstances surrounding the decisions to be made demand that I wait before I can move forward. God has chosen to withhold some details in the matter and I’m forced to pray and wait until those details are revealed. I have no qualms with waiting, except for the fact that waiting is giving my imagination an opportunity to run wild with all of the “what if” scenarios that I can possibly come up with, knowing that it only adds to the excitement/frustration.

Even though I hate having to wait, I know that it’s for the best and it’s another object lesson in my spiritual maturity. Will I find rest in the midst of the “storm” that’s surrounding me by leaving it all in His hands? I think I can; I think I am. I can’t help but to think of my friend Pastor Cliff Beveridge and the patience that he & his wife had to endure while waiting to be placed in ministry after his ordination. It took a year before he got an answer, but he was still resting in faith and working faithfully where the Lord had him at that time. I’m hoping that I can live out that same example, finding rest while also being patient, knowing that I have no choice but to wait on the Lord and recognizing that He will make it all clear in His perfect timing. I’m thankful for the fact that I have enough on my plate to keep me busy/distracted because it makes waiting & resting that much easier.

But, I will be glad when all is made clear and a decision can be made.

Of late, there have been a few things on my mind & heart. Two of those things have been death and marriage, not particularly in that order.

The marriage issue has been making its rounds in my head for a while now. After seeing so many men of God stumble into the sin of adultery, it’s been one of those things that I’ve kept in prayer. First and foremost, I’ve been praying for these men & their families, praying for restoration, reconciliation, and continued growth in the Lord. Once I’ve lifted them up, I pray for others that I know who are married, I pray for the husbands & wives, praying that they don’t fall prey to similar temptations. Then, I find myself praying for my own marriage and my own strength. I don’t want to go down that path. It’s so easy to do, without really thinking about it; but, that’s not a path that I want to go down. I don’t want to get emotionally attached to any other woman to the point where that would even be an issue. I never want to cause my wife & family that kind of pain. I don’t want to bring my Savior that kind of shame. The hardest part, though, is knowing that as much as I pray, if I don’t continually keep my guard up, I can just as easily fall flat on my face. That’s a tough pill to swallow, and all the more reason for me to stay knit to Robin and my Lord.

But not only is there infidelity, there’s also divorce. I know way too many people who have or who are getting divorced. In some cases, I agree that it’s more than justified and biblical, but it still hurts to see, especially knowing that these are brothers and sisters in the Faith. It breaks my heart. When I heard about one friend’s divorce, my heart sank, and I wept inside. Again, that’s not a road that I ever want to go down, so I have to stay on my P’s & Q’s. At the very least, it’s situations like this that keep me on my knees interceding on behalf of others because it is so easy, even for Christians, to throw it all away and be done with it all.

The bottom line is that I want my marriage to work and to be an example of Jesus Christ and His bride, the Church. I once remember an elder at my former church telling Robin & I that other couples (young & old) were watching us to see how we were going to react in different situations. Were we going to quit or stick it out? Were we going to remain faithful and continue loving one another? I realize that people are watching, and I want my marriage to be an example of what a Christ centered marriage should look like.

Then there’s the thought of death. As I was getting ready to leave work today, a co-worker informed me that her husband’s grandfather had passed away. I gave my condolences & prayers, but the thought of losing a loved one had me thinking the entire drive home. I tried to drown my thoughts with loud music, but my thoughts screamed even louder. I thought back to October 2007 when my grandfather (on my mom’s side) passed away. Even though I didn’t shed a single tear, I still miss him. And, I haven’t seen my other grandparents (or the rest of my extended family) since that time. Knowing that my remaining grandparents (my grandmother on my mom’s side [Granny], and both of my dad’s parents) aren’t doing well, I can’t help but want to visit and see them at least once more before they pass on to glory. I want to tell them that I love them and just spend some time with them.

Not only that, but I want my children to know who their great grandparents are. Growing up, I only had the opportunity to get to know only one of my great grandparents and I wish I had the opportunity to have known her better. I can only imagine the wisdom and knowledge that she had obtained in her many years on this earth. At the very least, I want my grandparents to be able to see their great grandchildren, considering that they’ve only seen Ramiah in pictures & they all grow so fast.

Family is important and it’s not something we should think about only when they’re dead and gone. We should take the opportunity to spend time while we have the time. So, with that, already having a trip scheduled for Detroit this summer to visit Robin’s parents, we’ve made plans to make a trip back to NC to visit my parents. While in NC, we’ll make the trip up to Virginia to visit my grandparents, Lord willing that He allows them to tarry that long.

Those are my thoughts tonight, death & marriage, marriage & death. Probably better stated as marriage & family; but, simply put, both are something I want to protect and respect. Grace & peace.

The last few weeks have been mentally taxing. It’s a rare thing for opportunity to come knocking at the door; and, it’s even rarer for an opportunity to literally knock the door down and place itself in your hand. Well, this is a situation I’ve found myself dealing with.

Now, most people, given the opportunity would jump on it without a second thought. Quite honestly, I would do the exact same thing, and would love nothing more than to take this opportunity up on its offer. But, there’s a catch. You see, the current circumstances surrounding my life are preventing me from accepting the offer, at least for the time being. More than anything, the one thing that’s keeping me from jumping all over this offer is the fact that I’ve committed myself to training my spiritual gift of pastor-teacher, which is something that I am absolutely not willing to abandon, especially not after having put in two years of work. I’m not willing to abandon what I know to be God’s will for my life right now, not even for what may be the opportunity of a lifetime.

In many ways, I know this is nothing more than a test of my resolve to see what’s more important to me. Well, the answer is quite obvious and it was easy to make, although it leaves me mentally taxed with “what ifs” and monkeying with scenarios. The fact of the matter is that I know where God wants me to be right here & right now, which is training my gift, and that’s where I’m going to stay.

Even though it’s not remotely related, I can’t help but to think of Saul when he was given orders to destroy the Amalekites (1 Samuel 15). He followed Samuel’s instructions except for the fact that he kept back some of the choice livestock, instead of destroying it all as the Lord had commanded. It was at this point that God rejected Saul and his line as king over Israel. Although it doesn’t completely relate to my circumstance, it has taught me the importance of complete obedience to the Lord, and not just following His instruction partly. The words of Samuel in 1 Samuel 15:22 still ring in my ears, “to obey is better than sacrifice.” The rest of what he says hits pretty hard too.

I feel that if I took this opportunity right now, I’d be putting myself in the same situation as Saul when he didn’t completely obey the Lord. I have my instructions (finish my training), and I have to see that through, and not just do it halfway, even if I think this opportunity may benefit me & still be honoring to God. The fact is that this is most honoring to God, so that’s where I need to be. If the Lord wills, the door of opportunity will remain open until my training is complete and the Lord allows for me to take hold of it; otherwise, I will view this as a matter of testing to see where my heart and focus are. I will say that I appreciate the opportunity set before me, but it’s not worth squandering what God has placed before me.

I’m in the midst of my journey to read through the Bible in a year. Within the past couple of weeks I’ve finished Exodus & Leviticus, and now I’m about halfway through Numbers. It’s been an exciting read thus far. I’ve been motivated to read and a lot of stuff that didn’t make sense before is being comprehended this time around.

With my recent reading, the Lord has really been rocking me. I’m seeing how the Israelites are being delivered & provided for time & time again by the Lord God, only to spit back in his face & complain. On more than one occasion God was ready to take out the Israelites because of their disobedience. Even people that you wouldn’t think would rise up against the Lord, like Miriam & Aaron, had their moments. It’s crazy, seriously! The Lord provides manna, but that’s not enough; no, they want more meat! The Israelites want to know why they’re stuck in the wilderness & left to die or killed by those in the Promised Land, when they “had it made” in Egypt, when they were really enslaved. Oh, and you can’t forget the Levites trying to rise up on Moses & Aaron, wanting to know why they’re in charge.

In all of this, the Lord was quick to want to just take the Israelites out completely, wiping them off the face of the earth, wanting to just start over with Moses. It can’t be said lightly enough that God’s anger toward them was fuming and He wasn’t playing around. If it weren’t for Moses praying for forgiveness, I don’t doubt that God would have done it.

What’s the lesson in this for me? God doesn’t take lightly to grumbling & complaining. Just looking at the Israelites & their attitude, God wasn’t very pleased. I can only think that He’s looking at me in the same light when I act in a similar manner. More than anything, this is serving as motivation for me to continue walking upright, while making sure that I keep my griping to a minimum. Instead of complaining, I need to learn to be more thankful for what the Lord has provided, as opposed to looking back to the past or wanting more than what He’s already providing.

Thanks for the lesson, Lord!

It’s nice when you wake up and get an unexpected surprise. Today I had a twofold surprise. First, I woke up this morning and was checking Google Reader and was going through all of the blogs I follow. There’s nothing unusual about that, except for the fact that Logos mentioned me in their latest blog entry. Last week, I posted an article on Trailblazin Ministries that gave an overview of Logos Bible Software 4. So, in their blog post, they were talking about all of the different users who had made videos talking about the software, and I was one of the few mentioned. That was really nice to see given the fact that I put it up on the site and only publicized it through a single tweet on Twitter.

The bonus to this is that the desktop app pulls in the Logos blog and displays it on the home page. So, I get the extra blessing of seeing my name displayed in my Bible software’s home page. How cool is that?! I don’t know, I’m a geek like that, but it just made me feel good. More than anything, I’m just glad that people appreciated the video and found it worth talking about.

The second surprise when my in-laws, who are in town for Thanksgiving, unexpectedly gave me a few dollars to have as spending money. That was a pleasant gift, the kind that gives you warm fuzzies. Now to figure out what to spend it on, LOL. I’m thinking about buying more books for Logos. I’ve got my eye on the MacArthur & McGee eBible packages so that I can import the unlocked books into Logos 4, but I’ll think it over.

Anyway, both of those were nice surprises and I thank God for them. A nice way to round out all the thankfulness that I expressed this past week. Thanks God.

Over the weekend, while I was installing Windows 7, I had quite a bit of time to sit back & think. During that thinking, I think I had a bit of an epiphany, or something like that. It’s probably more along the lines of a personal revelation than anything else, especially given the fact that it’s a pretty obvious fact to most people.

What is that revelation? Simply put, you should use what’s going to work for you without worrying about the thoughts & opinions of others. If there’s something out there that works for you, then by all means you should use it, regardless of what people may think. For example, I still like & drink Kool-Aid at the age of 27, and I could care less what some of my friends may think. It’s a personal preference, it works for me, I like it, so I’m going to continue drinking it. Or a better example may be my use of the Microsoft Zune over the infinitely popular iPod from Apple. The Zune may not have the same cool factor, but for me it’s more functional and gives me a better experience than I would have if I owned an iPod.

Along those same lines, you shouldn’t try to make something be what it’s not designed to be. Of course, there will be people out there that think you should, for whatever reason; but I don’t think that you should. A Honda Civic isn’t designed to tow & haul stuff like a Ford F-150, so why would you even attempt to make the Civic perform the functions of the F-150? Instead of trying to make the Civic perform like the F-150, why not just use the F-150 and be done with it? That’s how I feel about some things. Some things are designed with a particular audience in mind, and it should be allowed to function in that capacity. We shouldn’t try to force it to be something that it’s not; instead, we should embrace it for what it is & use it for what it was designed for. At the same time, if you know that you’re going to do a lot of towing, skip the Honda Civic altogether and just use the F-150 because you know it’s going to be able to perform the way you need it to.

That’s the realization I came to this weekend. There’s been some stuff that I’ve been trying to push and use in a way that it wasn’t designed for. The problem with that is that I have the proper tools sitting right next to me; so, instead of forcing my screwdriver to be a drill, I just need to grab my power drill and use it to help me accomplish the job quickly & efficiently, especially when I know that it’s a better tool & I like it better anyway.

I’ve been thinking about this topic lately, and I thought about it some tonight while I was driving to my Hebrew class. Am I too nonchalant about things?

For the most part, I’m a calm guy and it takes a lot to get me riled up (my kids are another story, LOL). Life is stressful & busy, but even that doesn’t bother me or make me lose my cool. I roll with the punches and keep on going. Sometimes, though, I wonder if this is such a good thing. A perfect example would be my finances. My money is tight, sometimes in the red. Does that bother me? Not really. Sure, it concerns me and I do what I can to better manage my money, but I don’t let it get to me or bend me out of shape. I remain cool about it all. I’ll find out about stuff that’s going on with my family, like when my grandfather passed away from cancer. Was I sad to lose him? Yes, but I was still calm about it, almost too calm if you ask me.

The more I think about it, I realize that it’s probably the way I should be. The more I study Scripture, it makes sense. If I’m focused on my Father’s business and heavenly things, then the rest of what happens in my life is an afterthought. The bad things? Momentary light afflictions that pale in comparison to what God has in store for me. The good things? Highlights that give me opportunity to thank the Lord for His kindness. I sometimes wonder if this is how Jesus was while walking the earth. Stuff was happening around Him, but He didn’t let it phase Him.

Whether it’s good or bad, I’ll keep walking this way because it keeps me from being anxious (a command from Scripture) and from fearing. My faith is in the Lord, and I’ll keep rolling with whatever comes my way because I realize that it’s all part of God’s design for me & my family. Maybe being nonchalant in a Christian way can be a good thing…

Just a brief update on my “experiments”…

Experiment One: So far, I can’t say that I’ve completely abandoned hip-hop, but it has definitely been sparse. The only hip-hop I’ve really listened to are albums that needed to be put in the queue for review on Trailblazin Ministries. As the gatekeeper of the site, I need to continue to make sure that what gets covered has acceptable content. I have been listening to a lot of new music, though. I’ve found a few new jazz artists that I like, thanks to my friend Antoine. I’ve also picked up some R&B/Soul too, so that’s been a nice listen. It’s definitely been a break in the monotony. In a lot of ways, my perspective on music has really changed for the better, even to the point of openly being more critical of the hip-hop I listen to. Of late, I’ve been able to listen to a CD once, extract its content & theme, and determine whether it’s good or not; not bad for a single listen.

Experiment Two: This one hasn’t gone quite like I planned, but it’s doing better than I expected. I’ve been able to have devotions ready for Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, so I count it a success. Still finding it a bit difficult to get in all of the studying I would like, so I need to figure that out. Partly it’s because I’ve found myself drained, of late, so much so that the last thing I want to do is sit at my computer and try to read. It’s one of those things where my spirit is willing, but my flesh is apparently weak, fat & lazy. I’m going to pray and see where I can do better.

Experiment Three: Things are getting better at work. My motivation is coming back, slowly, and I’m finally starting to get into a groove with things, making sure people are getting things done and that I’m able to tackle some tasks as well. Still growing here, but progress is what I’m looking for.

That’s it. Just a (somewhat) brief update. Off to do whatever.