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My mind has been all over the place today, and I really couldn’t comprehend why for most of the morning hours. I tried to listen to music to drown out my incomplete and incoherent thoughts but that didn’t help. To be frank, I didn’t even have a clue as to what I was thinking about, I just knew that it was plaguing my mind like nothing else.
After turning off the music on my MP3 player and just trying to make sense of it all, my thoughts slowly pieced themselves together. The result was pure and utter disgust at myself. Seriously, that’s what my thoughts boiled down to; but let me try to explain.
If you’ve watched any television or read any news over the weekend, you have to have heard about Ted Haggard and the situation that he is currently facing (won’t go into details here, just find a news story @ yahoo or google). In light of that, I have done a lot of subconscious thinking and putting myself in his shoes. When I put myself in his shoes, in the situation that he is facing, I can’t help but to relate to him and feel utter disgust at my own sins. It’s not even that I’m disgusted at his sins, because I didn’t even give his a second thought; I could only think about my own sins and how disgusted they make me feel.
In a way, I wonder what would come of me if some of my secret sins from the past came to light? Would I be able to stand face to face against them, knowing that I messed up and confess my faults right from the beginning, or would I shudder away and deny them? I really don’t know, and I pray that I never have to find out. But in the light of that, it really makes me all the more aware of how sinful sin really is. As the human race, and result of Adam’s disobedience, we are nothing but black holes longing to fill our own evil and lustful desires by any means necessary, some more so than others; and it is with that, that we will also do just about anything to cover up those sins so that we can continue to put on a pious act and look righteous in the eyes of man (myself included). It doesn’t matter if it’s a lie, stealing, murder, adultery, homosexuality or any other sin, because they are all just as sinful and are filthy in the sight of a holy God. Such is the sinfulness that sin carries with it, that we will do anything to cover it up to make it look good on the outside. Thanks to Timothy Brindle for the imagery, who imagines sin as being dung covered in whip cream (disgusting isn’t it?).
What’s more, the burden of sin is just that, a burden. Just like everyone else on the face of this earth, there are sins that I carry that only God and I know about; then there are others that are only known between myself and the other participating party (and God of course). What’s worse is that my dirtiest dirt has been done with someone else, much like in Pastor Haggard’s case; and even when we try to live in the light and walk in Christ, if the other person decides to come out about this sin, it can only do us damage and harm, even if we have reconciled to God about it prior. Again, what would I become if that past dirt about me came out? Trailblazin Ministries would all be for nothing (at least that’s how it would seem initially and by those looking in from the outside).
I can only imagine how Pastor Haggard must feel, but then again, I know exactly how it feels. Any honest Christian should know exactly how he feels right now. We should be able to both sympathize and empathize with him in this situation because if we were in his position it could’ve been any one of us. But all of that is to say that it makes me lean all the more on Jesus Christ as my Redeemer. It is only through Him that we are made righteous, even in the midst of our sinful nature. So, even if my past does come out, I know that I am still covered in the blood and God doesn’t see me any differently.
To Pastor Haggard (if you ever have an opportunity to read this), remember that thought. You are still a child of God and it is Jesus Christ that we are cleansed from our sins. Just because the world at large may view you in a different light or judge you because of your sin, know that God doesn’t see you any differently. Because of my own sin, I will not judge because I remember that all have fallen short of the glory of God. Continue to press forward and lean and depend on Christ, your solid Rock. That’s what I’m going to do in the midst of my sin, just as any Christian should do when we fall. Yes, whatever is done in the dark will come to light; but it is light that is able to heal and restore us and cleanse us from our sins.
Sure, sin is dirty, but Christ is able to clean up even the filthiest mess. Amen…