One of the hardest things about deconstructing my faith has been the felt need to defend my journey and where I’m at.
For me, it’s not that I’ve left faith. I haven’t abandoned God.
But in the eyes of many of my Christian friends, it feels like I’ve walked away from everything I once believed.
And from their perspective, I get it.
A Lifetime in the Church
I’ve spent over forty years in the church—twenty-five of those steeped in doctrine, apologetics, preaching, teaching, and even working in the Bible software industry. This world isn’t foreign to me. I know it well.
So when the arguments come, when the same lines of questioning start to appear, none of it surprises me.
I’ve heard it all before.
And honestly, that familiarity is part of what kept me from stepping into this journey sooner.
I knew how people would respond because I’d seen how they treated others who began questioning or stepping away from the faith.
To be real, I just didn’t want to deal with that.
The Urge to Defend
But being who I am, I’ve had to sit with a difficult question:
Why do I feel the need to defend myself?
Part of it is conditioning.
I studied Christian apologetics for years. There’s even a verse in the Bible that tells believers to “always be ready to give a defense for your faith.”
That mindset runs deep.
Even though I no longer identify with Christianity in the traditional sense, there’s still a part of me that feels the urge to defend what I believe… to prove that I’m not “backsliding” or “deceived.”
But truth, in its purest form, doesn’t need to be defended.
It stands on its own.
It simply is.
What It Really Comes Down To
At the heart of all of this is epistemology… the question of what it means to know, and what the foundation of faith really is.
For many of my Christian friends, the Bible is the final authority.
It’s seen as the inerrant Word of God… unchangeable, absolute, the standard by which all truth is measured.
Anything that doesn’t align with it is automatically false.
But I no longer see the Bible as the container of faith.
To me, it’s one of many expressions of faith… one of many ways humanity has sought to connect with the Divine.
That’s a big shift. And it’s often where the divide begins.
The Human Design Lens
When I look at it through the lens of my Human Design, it also makes sense.
I have an open Heart Center, which means that when I’m out of alignment, I’m constantly trying to prove myself.
That awareness has been powerful.
Whenever I feel that urge to explain, justify, or “clap back,” I ask myself:
What am I trying to prove?
Because the truth is… I have nothing to prove.
Choosing Love Over Proving
There’s a part of me that wants to respond sharply or sarcastically when I’m challenged. But I know that’s not love.
And love is the path I’m choosing to walk.
So I pause. I breathe. I reflect.
I try to respond from a place of understanding rather than defensiveness.
Most of my Christian friends are coming from a place of love and concern.
They want to make sure, in their framework, that I’ll “make it to heaven.”
And I get that.
I also want them to know that my journey isn’t reckless. It’s intentional.
I’ve thought deeply about every step I’m taking.
The same tools I once used to defend my Christian faith—study, logic, discernment—are the same tools I’m using to expand my view of God now.
The difference is that I see God as much bigger than the container of any single book or belief system.
It’s All Interpretation
When we talk about truth or scripture, it ultimately comes down to interpretation.
Someone decided which books were included in the Bible.
Someone decided what counted as “inspired.”
And even those decisions are interpretations layered on interpretations.
I understand the arguments, but I’m no longer interested in defending my position.
I’m more interested in open, honest dialogue—conversations that make room for curiosity and love.
Faith Without Defense
At the end of the day, I haven’t walked away from God.
If anything, my faith in God has deepened.
But I’m no longer here to defend it.
I want to live a life of love.
To love God.
To love people.
To forgive freely and live lightly.
Because if we’re doing that—if we’re living in love—then we’re already aligned with the divine.
Peace be with you, my friend. ✌🏾
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Have you ever felt the pressure to defend your faith or your spiritual journey?
I’d love to hear how you’ve navigated that tension in your own life.
Share your thoughts in the comments or join me for more reflections in the living room:
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