Deconstruction is a journey few people expect to take, and even fewer know how to navigate once they’re in it. It’s not a linear path. It’s not a predictable path. And in many marriages, it becomes a pressure point that amplifies fears, insecurities, and unspoken expectations. When someone’s faith shifts, the relationship often feels like it’s shifting too — and that can be unsettling for both partners.
In my experience, and in the experiences of many others I’ve walked alongside, there’s one thing that makes all the difference. One thing that determines whether a marriage fractures under the pressure of spiritual change or finds a deeper form of connection within it.
That one thing is respect.
Not agreement.
Not perfect theological alignment.
Not walking identical spiritual paths.
Respect — the kind that allows two people to grow, wrestle, question, and explore without needing the other person to mirror their journey.
In this article, I want to reflect on what this looks like in my own marriage, why it matters, and how couples navigating deconstruction can cultivate a foundation strong enough to weather these internal storms. This isn’t coming from a place of expert authority. It’s coming from lived experience, humility, and the gratitude I feel for the woman who has allowed me to evolve openly without fear.
And it’s also written with compassion for those who aren’t experiencing that same level of space — because not every relationship will look like mine, and that reality deserves to be acknowledged with honesty.
The Hidden Tensions Deconstruction Brings Into a Marriage
Before talking about respect, we have to talk about the tension that spiritual change creates in a partnership. Because deconstruction doesn’t happen in isolation. It sends ripples through the relationship.
When one person begins questioning long-held beliefs, it can feel destabilizing for the other. It can raise questions about identity, commitment, and shared values. It can activate fears that the relationship itself is at risk — not because the love has changed, but because the spiritual framework underneath the relationship is shifting.
For many people, especially those raised within traditional or evangelical Christianity, there is an additional layer of pressure. They were taught that a “healthy” marriage must be spiritually aligned in a very specific way. They were told that disagreement on theology or religious practice creates an “unequally yoked” dynamic that God supposedly warns against. And when deconstruction begins, they fear that stepping outside the lines might destabilize the entire covenant.
I’ve heard stories from people whose marriages became battlegrounds during deconstruction. Others found silence, distance, or defensiveness. Some felt the need to hide their questions. Others internalized shame or guilt for wanting to explore beyond the boundaries their partner felt comfortable with.
If you’re reading this and any of that resonates, I want you to know: you’re not imagining the tension, and you’re not wrong for feeling it. Deconstruction touches the deepest parts of our identity. It changes the metaphors we live by. It reshapes the stories that guided our choices, relationships, and worldview. It’s normal for this to affect the partnership.
But it doesn’t have to break it.
And that’s where respect comes into the picture.
Support Doesn’t Always Look Like Agreement
One of the assumptions people make — especially people outside the deconstruction process — is that a supportive spouse must share your new beliefs, champion your evolving views, or walk the same spiritual path with equal enthusiasm.
That’s simply not true.
My wife is supportive of my journey, but not in the way some would expect. She’s not clapping for every insight I share. She’s not reposting my videos or echoing my reflections. She’s not on my exact path, and she doesn’t need to be.
Her support looks like something quieter, something more meaningful:
She respects my journey, even when she doesn’t fully understand it.
She gives me space to explore without punishment or pressure.
She listens without fear that my growth is a threat to her identity.
She allows me to speak openly about my experiences without policing my voice.
She honors my integrity without needing to replicate my direction.
That kind of support is rare. And I don’t take it lightly.
Because support doesn’t always show up as shared theology or echoed beliefs. Sometimes support is simply the absence of control. The willingness to say:
“I love you enough to let you wrestle with God in your own way.”
That is respect.
And it is sacred.
Why Respect Matters More Than Agreement
Respect is what allows two people to remain connected even when their spiritual paths diverge. It protects the relationship from fear-based reactions. It replaces pressure with curiosity. It creates room for change, for growth, for becoming something new.
Agreement, on the other hand, tends to demand sameness.
Sameness is comfortable — but it’s not sustainable for a lifetime.
Respect says:
“Your journey is valid, even if it’s not mine.”
“My love for you is bigger than our theology.”
“I don’t need to understand everything to stay present with you.”
This becomes especially important during deconstruction, where beliefs can shift rapidly and unpredictably. Respect becomes the anchor that keeps the marriage steady while everything else feels in motion.
An Honest Disclaimer: Not Every Marriage Will Experience This Level of Respect
I need to name this clearly:
My experience won’t reflect everyone’s reality.
Some partners will respond with fear, anger, or resistance — not because they are unloving, but because they were taught that their partner’s change is spiritually dangerous. Some will feel betrayed. Some will lean on doctrines like being “unequally yoked” to justify opposition or withdrawal. Some churches actively pressure spouses to “take a stand” against a partner’s deconstruction.
If this is your situation, hear me clearly:
You are not the problem. You are not spiritually defective. You are not betraying your marriage by being honest with yourself.
Your growth does not require your partner’s permission.
And your journey is not an attack on theirs.
I wish every marriage could experience the mutual respect mine has. That is my hope — truly. But the reality is that many people will face a more difficult road, and they deserve compassion, not empty promises or unrealistic expectations.
That’s why the message here is not that deconstruction is easy. It’s that deconstruction can be navigated with love — but it requires both partners to choose respect over fear.
And that choice cannot be made alone.
How I Honor My Wife’s Journey While Honoring My Own
Respect is not a one-way gift. It requires reciprocity. If my wife gives me space to explore, it is my responsibility to give her space to remain where she is — without judgment, pressure, or condescension.
That means:
- I don’t bash Christianity in ways that insult her personally.
- I critique systems, doctrines, and structures that harmed me, not her relationship with God.
- I don’t treat my new discoveries as superior or more enlightened.
- I don’t try to convert her to my evolving worldview.
- I give her the same freedom she gives me: the freedom to believe what feels true to her spirit.
Because the goal has never been sameness.
The goal has always been love.
And for us, the foundation of that love is simple:
“If your desire is to love God and to love your neighbor better, I don’t care how you get there.”
That principle gives both of us room to grow in our own ways, while still sharing a unified commitment to compassion, integrity, and spiritual authenticity.
What Deconstruction Has Taught Me About Marriage
Deconstruction taught me that spiritual intimacy isn’t built on identical beliefs; it’s built on shared values. It taught me that unity doesn’t require uniformity. It taught me that love expands when it’s given room to breathe, and it contracts when it’s controlled.
In many ways, this journey strengthened our marriage. It made us more honest with each other. It forced us to articulate what mattered most. It gave us new language to describe our spiritual lives — language rooted not in doctrine, but in relationship.
And maybe most importantly, it taught me this:
You can walk two different spiritual paths and still walk through life side by side.
Maybe that’s what some people need to hear today.
Not every marriage will navigate this easily.
Not every couple will find themselves on the same page.
Not everyone will feel the safety and support I’ve been blessed with.
But hope is still real.
And love is still powerful enough to hold space for two evolving souls.
As I’ve said elsewhere:
“Maybe your relationship can survive this… and maybe you’re not wrong to hope for that.”
Because what holds a marriage together is not identical beliefs —
it is the shared commitment to love.
Navigating Deconstruction With Children in the Home
Deconstruction becomes even more layered when children are involved. Marriage is not just the relationship between two partners — it is the spiritual, emotional, and relational environment we create for our family. When one person’s beliefs shift, the question naturally arises: What does this mean for the kids? And how do we honor both parents’ convictions without creating confusion or division?
This, too, comes back to respect.
In our home, Jaimie and I have chosen a path that honors both of our journeys while giving our children space to grow at their own pace. She has given them the freedom to choose: “If you don’t want to go to church today, you can stay home with your dad.” That is a reflection of her trust — not only in me, but in their ability to navigate their own connection with God.
And in return, I have chosen to respect her faith by not interfering with what she teaches them. I want her to feel free to pass down the same truths she carries from her faith. I’m not trying to deconstruct their childhood or rewrite their understanding of God. My role is to embody the values I believe in — love, compassion, presence, curiosity — and let them see that lived expression without forcing them to adopt my perspective.
This balance isn’t always easy, but it has been meaningful. Our kids get to witness two adults who love each other and love them deeply, even while walking different spiritual paths. They get to see that faith is not a battleground, but a lived experience. They get to explore questions without pressure, and they get permission to grow — just like we are growing.
If anything, navigating deconstruction with children requires even more intentionality, even more gentleness, and even more respect. But it’s also an opportunity to model the very values we want them to embody: openness, curiosity, integrity, and love.
A Wish for Those Walking This Path
If you’re deconstructing and your partner doesn’t fully understand your journey, I hope you find the respect you deserve. I hope your relationship remains a place where you can be honest, curious, and spiritually free. And I hope you practice the same respect in return.
You deserve a relationship where both people are allowed to grow.
And you deserve to feel safe in the process.